When Roles Get Blurry: A Common Problem in BDSM

You’ve planned a special night. Maybe you’ve picked out a new bondage rope for beginners or a sleek blindfold strap set. You want to let go and trust your partner. But as things heat up, you find yourself giving directions, correcting your partner, or even stopping the scene for reasons that aren’t about safety. Suddenly, the power exchange feels off. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. This is called “topping from the bottom,” and it’s one of the most misunderstood issues in BDSM.
This guide will help you understand what topping from the bottom means, why it happens, how it can affect your relationship, and what both dominants and submissives can do to keep your dynamic healthy, fun, and safe.

What Does “Topping from the Bottom” Mean in BDSM?

Topping from the bottom is when a submissive tries to control the dominant instead of letting the dominant lead. Topping from the bottom happens when a submissive starts to control or direct the dominant partner during a scene or relationship. Instead of surrendering, the submissive takes the lead, sometimes on purpose, sometimes by accident. This can turn the power dynamic upside down, making things confusing and less satisfying for both partners.

Why Does Topping from the Bottom Happen?

1. Wanting More Attention
Sometimes, a submissive acts out or becomes bratty to get more attention. This isn’t always bad; being playful can be fun! But if it becomes the main way to get needs met, it can frustrate the dominant and break the flow of the scene.

2. Using Safewords for the Wrong Reasons
Safe words are for safety. But if a submissive uses a safeword just to avoid something they don’t feel like doing (and not because they’re truly at a limit), it shifts control back to them. This can lead to trust issues and confusion.

3. Constantly Questioning or Changing Decisions
When a submissive often says things like, “Well, actually I think…” or tries to change the dominant’s decisions, it can undermine the dominant’s role. While sharing feelings is important, always challenging the dominant’s choices can erode trust and respect in the dynamic.

Real-Life Examples of Topping from the Bottom

• Bratty Behavior: Acting out to get a reaction or more attention instead of communicating needs directly.
• Misusing safewords: Saying the safeword to escape a task or scene, not because of real discomfort or danger.
• Overriding Decisions: Suggesting different positions, toys, or activities after the dominant has made a choice, like insisting on using the obsidian bond blindfold when your partner chose a different blindfold with two silk straps.

Why Is Topping from the Bottom a Problem?

Topping from the bottom can cause:

• Confusion about who is in control
• Frustration and resentment
• Erosion of trust
• Less satisfaction for both partners

BDSM works best when both people know and respect their roles. If the power exchange gets muddled, the play can lose its excitement and meaning.

Know Topping from the Bottom is not Always Bad

Topping from the bottom is only okay if both partners agree to it and talk about what they want. Not always. Sometimes, both partners agree to a more flexible dynamic. Some enjoy a bit of “push and pull.” But if topping from the bottom happens without consent or clear communication, it can cause problems.

How to Recognize Topping from the Bottom

• Am I giving directions instead of following?
• Am I using safewords for things that aren’t true limits?
• Am I always trying to change my partner’s choices?
• Do I feel like I need to control the scene to feel safe?

If you answer yes, you might be topping from the bottom.

How Can Submissives Avoid Topping from the Bottom?

1. Communicate Needs Clearly
If you want more attention or have unmet needs, speak up before the scene. Say, “I’d like more spanking tonight,” or write your feelings in a journal that your dominant can read.

2. Use Safewords Honestly
Only use safewords when you truly need to stop or pause for safety, not just to avoid something you don’t like. If there’s something you never want to do, talk about it before play and add it to your limits.

3. Respect Decisions
If your dominant makes a choice, try to follow it unless it crosses a boundary. If you disagree, share your feelings respectfully after the scene, or ask if you can do your choice next time.

How Can Dominants Respond to Topping from the Bottom?

1. Look for the Real Issue
If your submissive is acting out or topping from the bottom, ask if they need more attention or if something is bothering them. Encourage open conversation, and let them use “I statements” like, “I feel X when you do Y.”

2. Set Clear Boundaries
Remind your partner of your roles and expectations. If they misuse a safe word, respect it, but talk about it later. Explain the real purpose of safewords and why trust is important.

3. Praise Good Behavior
When your submissive follows your lead, give them positive feedback. This builds trust and encourages them to relax into their role. What If I’m New to BDSM? It’s normal to feel nervous or unsure at first. Many new submissives top from the bottom because they want to feel safe. Many dominants allow it because they’re still learning. The key is to talk openly, set clear roles, and practice together.

How to Build Trust and Healthy Power Exchange

Step 1: Talk Before Play
Discuss what you both want. Decide who will lead, what toys you’ll use, and what your limits are. Maybe you want to try a bondage blindfold or a high-quality BDSM crop. Agree on safe words and signals.

Step 2: Play and Observe
During the scene, notice how you both feel. Are you relaxed? Is your partner leading? Are you communicating clearly?

Step 3: Check In After
After play, talk about what went well and what could be better. This is a good time to share feelings and make changes for next time.

Common Questions About Topping from the Bottom

What are the risks of topping from the bottom?
It can break trust, cause confusion, and make BDSM less fun. Dominants may feel manipulated, and submissives may not get the release they want.

Can topping from the bottom be consensual?
Yes, if both partners agree to a flexible or “switchy” dynamic, it’s okay. The key is open communication and consent.

How can I stop topping from the bottom?
Share your needs before play, use safewords only for real limits, and trust your partner to lead. Practice letting go and enjoying your role.

What if my partner keeps topping from the bottom?
Pause and talk. Ask what’s really going on. Work together to rebuild trust and set clear boundaries.

Real-World Solutions: What to Do When Topping from the Bottom Happens

• For Submissives
• Speak up about your needs before play.
• Use a submissive journal to share feelings.
• Trust your dominant to lead.
• Use safewords honestly.
• For Dominants
• Encourage open conversation.
• Respect safewords, but talk about misuse after.
• Set clear expectations for roles.
• Praise your partner for following your lead.

Final Thoughts: Building a Stronger BDSM Relationship

Topping from the bottom can be tricky, but it doesn’t have to ruin your dynamic. With honest communication, clear roles, and the right tools, you can enjoy safe, exciting, and satisfying BDSM play. Whether you’re exploring with a blindfold strap set or searching for the best BDSM crops, remember: trust, respect, and consent are the foundation of every great scene.
Topping from the bottom is common, especially for new couples or those still learning their roles. The most important thing is to talk openly, set clear boundaries, and practice together. Use tools like an obsidian bond blindfold or a bondage rope for beginners to create structure and trust; get them all at Xtreme Sensation.
Remember, BDSM is about mutual satisfaction, trust, and fun. When both partners understand and respect their roles, the power exchange can be deeply rewarding.